


Incorrect Musical Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [1]
Category: High School Musical (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Death, Alternate Universe - Daria Fusion, Alternate Universe - How to Get Away with Murder Fusion, Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternate Universe - Shark Tale Fusion, Alternate Universe - Veronica Mars Fusion, F/M, Her dad's name is Oleander, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Major Character Death in Chapter 4, Private Investigator Kelsi, The skater dude is in here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2020-07-10 11:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19905340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: Rita Darbus is a prominent criminal defense attorney and law professor at East University in Albuquerque. She selects five of her first-year students to intern at her firm: eager-to-help sweetheart Troy Bolton, gay manipulator Ryan Evans, silver-tongued sophisticate Taylor McKessie, privileged jokester Zeke Baylor, and quiet idealist Sharpay Evans (The Darbus 5).Chapter 2: Focuses on Ryan Evans, a smart, acerbic, somewhat misanthropic teenage boy who, along with his immediate family and best friend, aspiring artist Kelsi Nielsen, observes the world around him.Chapter 3: Kelsi Nielsen is a student who progresses from high school to college while moonlighting as a private investigator under the tutelage of her detective father.Chapter 4: The underworld is shaken up when the daughter of a mob boss is found dead and a young kid named Chad is found at the scene. Being a bottom feeder, Chad takes advantage of the situation and makes himself look like he killed the mobster. Chad befriends the mob boss's son Ryan and soon comes to realize that his claim may have serious consequences.





	1. Source: How to Get Away with Murder

    ****
     **Chad** : Jimmie killed Martha and Kelsi's trying to prove it.
    
     **Taylor** : Wait, what?
    ****
     **Ryan** : I'd pay to see her face right now.
    

***************************************************************************

    
    ****
     **Kelsi** (to Troy): I've been staring at the walls for like three days. I need company, otherwise, I might go all redrum on your ass. Although, something tells me you might be into that.

***************************************************************************

    
    ****
    ****
     **Taylor** (to Zeke): Oh my God, are you crying?

    ****
     **Zeke** : No, allergies.

**************************************************************************

**Sharpay** : Taylor, you are not going to Jimmie's trial.

 **Michaela** : I never said I was! Okay, I can't be the only one who wants to go.

 **Ryan** : You want us, the real murderers, to go to the fake murderer's trial?

 **Troy** : Darbus would kill us!

 **Sharpay** : _I'd_ kill you!

**************************************************************************

**Sharpay** : I couldn't not come.

 **Ryan** : Because you know what you took from me. She needed me. The whole time I was in jail, in court but I wasn't there. Because you stole that from us. The only time we had left together. You stole that! So no cobbler or apologies can fix that.

 **Sharpay** : Right. I would hate me too.

 **Ryan** : I don't hate you. I just don't care about you. I gave Kelsi those pills because I loved her. And I laid next to her in that bed, held her as she fell asleep. So close I could feel when she took her last breath. No one's ever gonna love you that way. Leave. Leave!

**************************************************************************

**Chad** : You know more about me than most people.

 **Ryan** : That's sad because I don't know you.

**************************************************************************

**Chad** : Do you trust me?

 **Troy** : Yeah.

 **Chad** : Then believe me when I say I will tell you when it's time to freak out. We're not there yet.

**************************************************************************

    ****
     **Ryan** : I was there, Gabriella. I saw him dead. And you could've died too. And then I lied to your face all that time. I hate myself more than you could ever hate me... if that makes you feel any better.

     **Gabriella** : It doesn't.

     **Ryan** : What can I do to make it better?

     **Gabriella:** You can't. None of us can. He's gone. And it's not your fault, so stop hating yourself.

     **Ryan** : I can't.

**************************************************************************

     **Chad** : You're a lot stronger than you think, Ryan.

     **Ryan** : I just told you I wanted to die. How is that strong?

     **Chad** : Because you came here instead.

**************************************************************************

     **Sharpay** : I can't do this anymore. I can't keep forgiving you for all the horrible, sick things that you do. And the only reason I did it before was that I knew you'd survived hell, like me, but no more.

     **Ryan** : It's not that I'm like you. It's that I love you. Chad helped me see it, that all of this, every insane thing that we do to each other, it's a form of love!

     **Sharpay** : Stop saying that word, Bonnie!

     **Ryan** : This is me knowing what I want. And I know that I love you and that I need you, and maybe you can love me, too, and that's okay. It's all okay.

**************************************************************************

    ****
     **Gabriella** : Taylor, please tell me you didn't.

     **Ryan** : She totally did.

     **Taylor** : I didn't.

     **Chad** : Didn't what?

     **Ryan** : Bang the press secretary.

     **Chad** : What?!

     **Taylor** : Former press secretary. And I didn't. Okay, I did, but it was a one-time mistake and it meant nothing. Please don't tell Troy, it'll destroy him.

     **Ryan** : Destroy him like it destroyed me when you stole this case?

**************************************************************************

     **Chad** : Ryan overdosed, Taylor. The police found him in his car three days ago.

     **Taylor** : Is he dead?

     **Chad** : No. But his kidneys are failing. Do you get why I told you to stay away now?

     **Taylor** : This wasn't my fault.

     **Chad** : Telling me about Sharpay is what sent him to this place, Taylor.

     **Taylor** : You needed to know.

     **Chad** : I already knew. But now look what you did. You ruined him, just like you ruin everyone in your life.


	2. Source: Daria

_[Vance takes the kids to school]_

**Vance:** Kids, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Ryan, right?

 **Ryan:** Did we move?

 **Vance** : _[laughs]_ I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.

 **Ryan** : _[After seeing Sharpay turning up the radio]_ Sharpay for instance?

 **Vance** : That's not what I meant. Not necessary. _[Turns radio off]_ The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...

 **Ryan** : _[turns radio on and shouts]_ Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!

 **Vance** : Uh, where was I? _[turns off radio]_ Oh, yeah...

**========================================**

_[in Mrs. Darbus's office]_

**Mrs. Darbus** : Now, Sharpay... what do you see here? _[holds up a photo]_

 **Sharpay** : It's a picture of two people talking.

 **Mrs. Darbus** : That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they're discussing?

 **Sharpay** : I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt.

 **Mrs. Darbus** : You won't be graded.

 **Sharpay** : Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!

 **Mrs. Darbus** : Very good, Sharpay! Now, Rhino, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.

 **Ryan** : It's Ryan.

 **Mrs. Darbus** : I'm sorry... Ryan. What do you see in the picture, Rhino?

 **Ryan** : Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

 **Mrs. Darbus** : Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.

 **Ryan** : Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.

 **Mrs. Darbus** : That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.

 **Ryan** : Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

**========================================**

**Ryan** : These are really good. I didn't know you study life drawings.

 **Kelsi** : Yeah, last summer.

 **Ryan** : _[viewing one of Kelsi's sketches]_ : You're really bursting out of the picture frame here.

 **Kelsi** : Oh, yeah...that particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

 **Ryan** : Speaking of which, Tiara invited me to her party.

 **Kelsi** : No kidding, are you going?

 **Ryan** : Sure and after that I think I'll swallow glass. What? Do you wanna go?

 **Kelsi** : Oh no I much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to Come As You Are. I bet it get some great sketches there.

 **Ryan** : Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you wanna go just make believe that you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people who look alike anyway.

 **Kelsi** : _[Takes Ryan's hat and pretends to be him]_ Hi, I'm Ryan. Go to hell. _[Takes off Ryan's hat]_ It won't work my face is too expressive.

_**========================================** _

_[Kelsi walks up to Ryan with a sock on her shoulder]_

**Ryan** : So, what happened to Bobby Big-head?

 **Kelsi** : I wasn't really interested.

 **Ryan** : Too bad. _[holds up sock]_ Is this yours?

 **Kelsi** : Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go?

 **Ryan** : I was ready to go before we got here.

**========================================**

**Ryan** : One more time: I am not taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.

_[Vance swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out]_

**Derby** : Watch the road! Ryan, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.

 **Sharpay** : Way to go, Mom! He can't get his way all the time.

 **Derby** : Actually, Sharpay, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.

 **Sharpay** : Wait a minute!

 **Ryan** : (sarcastically) Maybe we can sit together!

_**========================================** _

_[Ryan's daydream]_

**Professor** : Ryan, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.

 **Ryan** : I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.

 **Professor** : But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.

 **Ryan** : Well...

 **Professor** : Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.

 **Ryan** : Oh! Okay.

 **Professor** : Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!

 **Ryan** : How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

_[daydream ends]_

**========================================**

**Mr. Bolton** : Hi, Ryan. What's up?

 **Ryan** : I want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse.

 **Mr. Bolton** : Fantastic! What made you change your mind?

 **Ryan** : Did anyone ever make you practice "Pop Goes the Weasel" on the flute every day for a year?

 **Mr. Bolton** : Um, no... but I once had to recite the Gettysburg Address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said "Tuesday." Whatever made me want to join a fraternity. _[laughs]_ Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your essays.

 **Ryan** : No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing.

 **Mr. Bolton** : Maybe that one about feeling like a big misfit whom everybody hates. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do.

 **Ryan** : I don't know if that's such a great idea. That's the one that compares the sophomore class to barnyard animals. It names names.

 **Mr. Bolton** : Oh, yeah.

 **Ryan** : I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising?

 **Mr. Bolton** : Oh. Well, we're selling magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump in!

 **Ryan** : Can I go with my friend Kelsi?

 **Mr. Bolton** : Sure! She wants to help out?

 **Ryan** : Mmm-hmm. She's a big joiner.

**========================================**

**Ryan** : How about, _The Bleakness That Lies Ahead_?

 **Kelsi** : Too sentimental.

 **Ryan** : _No Life, No Hope, No Future_?

 **Kelsi** : Too pie in the sky.

 **Ryan** : _Mommy's Little Hypocrite_?

 **Kelsi** : Too much like a children's book.

 **Ryan** : I wish I were dead...

 **Kelsi** : That sounds promising. Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Troy and Tiara drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive.

 **Ryan** : Are you marketing your own fragrance now? _[sighs]_ I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion.

**========================================**

**Ryan** : I'm sorry, Mrs. Danforth. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.

 **Mrs. Danforth** : What are you talking about, Ryan?

 **Ryan** : If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

 **Mrs. Danforth** : But you're in an enclosed space now.

 **Ryan** : Yes... and I'm really itchy?

 **Kelsi** : These hives get bad, Mrs. Danforth, I've seen them. They drip with puss. _[class reacts with revulsion and Ryan glares at Kelsi]_ Just trying to help.

**========================================**

**Ryan** : I feel sick. Can someone open a window?

_[Kelsi attempts to open window and fails]_

**Rocketman** : Allow me, fair maiden. _[tries to open the window, but fails]_

 **Kelsi** : I didn't know you got car sick.

 **Ryan** : I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-

 **Kelsi** : Teen Spirit?

 **Ryan** : Cheap perfume.

 **Kelsi** : Tiara must be working up a sweat.

**========================================**

**Ryan** : Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?

 **Ms. McKessie** : Do you have a point, Mr. Evans?

 **Kelsi** : And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?

 **Ms. McKessie** : Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.

 **Ryan** : Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?

 **Ms. McKessie** : That is really none of your business!

 **Ryan** : But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

 **Ms. McKessie** : The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is going to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bulletproof skylights for the swimming pool.

 **Kelsi** : Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit.

 **Ms. McKessie** : Excellent!

 **Kelsi** : May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast.

**========================================**

**Derby** : I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competitive activity...

 **Sharpay** : So is dating, if you do it right.

 **Derby** : ...in which your value as a human being is decided entirely on how you look.

 **Sharpay** : When does the bad part come in?

**========================================**

**Derby** : Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey.

 **Ryan** : I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.

 **Derby** : _[groans]_ Oh, forget it, Ryan. Sharpay, how was your day?

 **Sharpay** : It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...

 **Derby** : _[pleading]_ Ryan, please tell me about the project.

 **Ryan** : _[sighs]_ It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.

 **Derby** : Sounds super.

 **Ryan** : Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.

 **Derby** : Wow. That's fantastic!

**========================================**

**Ryan** : In conclusion, this mouse, through no fault of my own, Tiara, was repeatedly abused by a ten-year-old boy; as a result the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions occur in humans: take the mugging victim beaten with nunchucks in an alleyway, as he or she recalls the attacker's face, his graggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring, she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.

 **Troy** : Really?

 **Mrs. Baylor** : Don't interrupt, hateful scum! _[Smiling]_ Excellent job, Ryan, you get an A.

 **Troy** : All right!

 **Mrs. Baylor** : Not you, you man! You get a D!

 **Troy** : All right!

**========================================**

**Mr. Nielsen** : Now, Ryan, I hope Sharpay explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, ha, we don't allow that.

 **Ryan** : No problem. I'm flying solo these days.

 **Mrs. Nielsen** : Then I guess it's not an issue.

 **Ryan** : Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.

 **Mrs. Nielsen** : What?

 **Sharpay** : _[short laugh]_ He's kidding, Mrs. Nielsen. My brother's a big kidder. _[scowls]_ Ha, ha, Ryan.

 **Ryan** : Ha, ha, Sharpay.

 **Mr. Nielsen** : Haha! Well, you'll need a sense of humor to tangle with our little devils!

 **Mrs. Nielsen** : Lester!

 **Mr. Nielsen** : No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday, Ryan!

 **Ryan** : Bye. _[hangs up]_ Ten dollar surcharge if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes with the parents.

 **Sharpay** : That's fair.

_**========================================** _

_[Ryan's flashback #1: toddler Ryan is seated at a table, toddler Sharpay in a high chair at the other side of the table, and a gray-haired woman is seated between them, attempting to feed Sharpay; the table is a mess, and Sharpay is crying]_

**Little Ryan** : Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now? _[Ryan throws a bowl of food that splatters on the table, as the babysitter puts her head down and sobs]_

_**========================================** _

_[flashback #2: a slightly older Ryan and Sharpay are fighting on the floor while an elderly woman with a cane watches helplessly]_

**Kid Sharpay** : Brain!

 **Kid Ryan** : Brat!

 **Kid Sharpay** : Brain!

 **Kid Ryan** : Brat!

 **Kid Sharpay** : Brain!

 **Baby-sitter** : Stop that! Stop that! Oh! _[drops cane]_ It's my heart!

_**========================================** _

_[flashback #3: a preteen Ryan and Sharpay are seated between their teenaged girl baby-sitter and her boyfriend; she's scowling, he's looking overwhelmed by the situation]_

**Preteen Ryan** : You know, she stuffs her bra.

 **Preteen Sharpay** : Hi, I'm Sharpay. I'll be allowed to date in four years.

_[flashback ends]_

**========================================**

_[Sharpay and Ryan are at Dr. Matsui's office]_

**Dr. Matsui:** _[into phone]_ Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those nostrils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You keep that going! Bye! _[hangs up]_ So, hello there, Sharpay, whichever one of you is Sharpay. What brings you here?

 **Sharpay** : It's my nose.

 **Dr. Matsui:** Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz!

 **Sharpay** : It's a schnoz?!

 **Dr. Matsui:** No! It's the tiniest little thing.

 **Sharpay** : Thank you. Can you fix it?

 **Dr. Matsui:** Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, and an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if we can't do something. _[camera focuses on Sharpay]_ Sharpay, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?

 **Sharpay** : I have cheekbones.

_[Dr. Matsui manipulates the image on computer to give Sharpay prominent cheekbones]_

**Dr. Matsui:** We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours will show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month only, you can be sure.

 **Sharpay** : I don't have cheekbones!

_[image of Sharpay changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements"]_

**Dr. Matsui:** All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... something's missing... oh! I know! _[beauty mark appears on image]_ And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. _[Sharpay's long hair is replaced with curly hair]_ _[prints out the image]_

 **Sharpay** : I'm too cute!

 **Dr. Matsui:** And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else?

 **Ryan** : Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?

 **Dr. Matsui:** Alright, funny guy! Your turn.

 **Ryan** : No. Thank you.

 **Dr. Matsui:** Nothing to be afraid of.

 **Ryan** : I'm not afraid.

 **Dr. Matsui:** It'll be fun!

 **Ryan** : I don't like fun!

 **Dr. Matsui:** Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay? _[she quickly manipulates different parts of Ryan's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Sharpay only with shorter hair]_ It's a start!

 **Sharpay** : Oh, look, Ryan, you're cute! Dr. Matsui, do you think maybe I can get a couple more of these, wallet size?

**========================================**

**Ryan** : Pledge drive not going well?

 **Sharpay** : People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Rocketman.

 **Ryan** : Why?

 **Sharpay** : Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.

 **Ryan** : Listen, Sharpay...

 **Sharpay** : You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.

 **Ryan** : Sharpay...

 **Sharpay** : Or maybe Dr. Matsui will give me a part-time job sweeping up fat or something.

 **Ryan** : Sharpay...

 **Sharpay** : I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Matsui makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! _[melodramatic tone]_ Where will it end Ryan? Where will it end?

 **Ryan** : You don't need surgery, Sharpay. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I ever said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.

 **Sharpay** : Why do I even bother talking to you?

**========================================**

**Sharpay** : Hold it, young man.

 **Ryan** : Funny.

 **Sharpay** : What are you doing out so late?

 **Ryan** : What are you doing out so late?

 **Sharpay** : What do you mean? I'm always out this late.

 **Ryan** : Then you can tell me how to sneak in.

 **Sharpay** : Well, for one thing, stop tiptoeing around like a geek. Have a little dignity, Ryan.

 **Ryan** : If I had any dignity, do you think I'd be out here letting you try and teach me how to be cool?

 **Sharpay** : Whatever.

 **Vance** : _[downstairs]_ What's going on down there!

 **Derby** : _[downstairs]_ More threatening.

 **Vance** : _[downstairs]_ Let me handle it. Darn it, what's going on down there!

 **Derby** : _[downstairs]_ Vance, you sound like such a geek...

**========================================**

**Derby** : Don't start, kids. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.

 **Ryan** : I didn't know I had a curfew.

 **Vance** : Well, that's interesting, Ryan; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...

 **Derby** : Vance! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...

 **Sharpay** : Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!

 **Derby** : No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.

 **Sharpay** : Well, everybody knows that late curfews should go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

 **Ryan** : Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?

 **Vance** : It can't be Jefferson.

 **Sharpay** : Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.

**========================================**

**Troy** : You'd never catch me in a job like that.

 **Ryan** : _[thinking]_ Because it falls under the category of employment.

 **Chad** : Hey, man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.

 **Ryan** : _[thinking]_ Still living over your parent's garage?

 **Kelsi** : _[loud whisper]_ Say it, Ryan. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.

 **Troy** : We've got a vision.

 **Chad** : Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.

 **Troy** : Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.

 **Chad** : No way.

 **Kelsi** : 'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. _[looks at Ryan]_ Well, someone had to pick up the slack!

**========================================**

**Ryan** : Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.

 **Kelsi** : Well, you're not your usual sunny self.

 **Ryan** : I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...

 **Kelsi** : And all in front of Chad.

 **Ryan** : ...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.

 **Kelsi** : Ryan, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.

 **Ryan** : _[sighs]_ Okay.

 **Kelsi** : Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt? _[Ryan glares at her]_ Kidding! It looks alternative.

**========================================**

**Sharpay** : Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be 50 dollars an hour.

 **Vance** : 50 dollars an hour?

 **Derby** : Well i got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, 800 dollars a month.

 **Vance** : 800 dollars a month??

 **Ryan** : Mail's here. Did you know congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?

 **Vance** : 250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Ryan! What am i made of? Money?

 **Derby** : Vance, were you listening? Ryan said--

 **Vance** : Tutoring, dental work, congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little *screams in pain*

 **Derby** : Oh Vancey, not again

 **Vance** : IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE!

 **Ryan** : Oh no, get the camera!

 **Sharpay** : Ah

 **Derby** : No camera Ryan. Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?

 **Vance** : Yeah. He said it'll be 200 dollars.

**========================================**

**Kelsi** : Lemme get this straight. You, Vance, Derby, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?

 **Ryan** : I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

 **Kelsi** : I do envy you.

 **Ryan** : Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.

 **Kelsi** : You know where I'll be this weekend? The Nielsen Family Reunion. Dozens of Nielsens from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.

 **Ryan** : I wouldn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.

 **Kelsi** : They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them closer together.

 **Ryan** : You know, a weekend is the woods is starting to look good.

 **Kelsi** : A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look good.

**========================================**

**Derby** : Why, Sharpay, you look darling!

 **Vance** : You look so happy, sweetie!

 **Sharpay** : I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."

_[She shows her school picture]_

**Derby** : I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Ryan?

 **Ryan** : Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?

 **Derby** : Come on, Ryan, where's your school picture?

_[Ryan hands over his picture]_

**Vance** : Wow! That's sharp focus...

 **Derby** : Ryan, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?

 **Ryan** : I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.

 **Derby** : Ryan, people judge you by your expressions.

 **Ryan** : Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system and have dedicated myself to changing it.

 **Sharpay** : Hey, did you guys see these? _[holds up wallet size photos]_

**========================================**

**Troy** : Zeke Baylor.

 **Zeke** : That's the name, don't wear it out.

 **Troy** : I'm your biggest fan.

 **Zeke** : I doubt that, unless the rest of them are pygmies, haha.

 **Troy** : I'm Troy Bolton, this is Chad Michael Jordan Danforth. We call him Chad.

 **Zeke** : Chad Michael Jordan Danforth! You're kidding, right.

 **Chad** : It was Chad Michael _James_ Danforth. My dad went to a Bulls playoff game when I was 12, and... then he changed it.

 **Zeke** : That's sick man, so what you guys, on the intermural squad, or something?

 **Troy** : Varsity dude, I'm the QB.

_[Zeke Baylor laughs pompously, then Troy laughs too, unaware of what is so funny]_

**Zeke** : _[annoyed]_ Why are you laughing?

 **Troy** : Um, why are you?

 **Zeke** : I'm just picturing a scrawny little guy like you, trying to play for some third-rate junior college somewhere, and getting your butt kicked every week.

 **Troy** : Oh yeah, that's funny.

 **Chad** : No, it isn't.


	3. Source: Veronica Mars

**_Normal Is the Watchword_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=25)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Got any enemies you know about?

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : Well, there's the Klan.

 **Kelsi** : This isn't really their M.O.

 **Troy** : Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates _you_.

**********************************************************

**[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars) Nielsen, Kelsi's dad**: So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?

 **Kelsi** : Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.

 **Oleander** : What, no pre-marital sex?

 **Kelsi** : Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.

 **Oleander** : That's my girl.

 **Kelsi** : I missed you.

 **Oleander** : _[While they hug]_ I missed you too. Now, where is my turkey pot-pie, woman?

**********************************************************

**Troy** : _[after failing a drug test]_ Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.

 **Kelsi** : What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?

 **Troy** : Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.

 **Kelsi** : Did you eat one?

 **Troy** : I ate six.

 **Kelsi** : That's my Troy.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : _[making out with Jason]_ My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : He's probably impressed with your virtue.

 **Kelsi** : _[laughs]_ And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.

 **Jason** : _[Pauses, then looks up to where Oleander is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread]_ Five more minutes. _[Kelsi giggles]_ He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.

 **Kelsi** : Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?

 **Jason** : What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.

 **Kelsi** : The things guys'll say to get past second base.

**********************************************************

**Oleander** : What's up, honey?

 **Kelsi** : Troy is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

 **Oleander** : Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

 **Kelsi** : This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?

 **Oleander** : _[sighs, walks over to bathroom door]_ Troy?

 **Troy** : Yup?

 **Oleander** : You try turning the water on?

 **Troy** : Mmmm-hmmm.

 **Oleander** : Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

 **Kelsi** : _[pushes her dad out of the room]_ Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. _[giggles]_

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Driver Ed_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=26)]

_[interrupting a conversation between Donnie and Kelsi]_

**Gabriella** : _[clears throat_ ] When you guys are done breaking up, can I get a macchiatto?

 **Kelsi** : I'm actually just the hostess, but I ca-

 **Gabriella** : Look! I don't care if you're the house magician, can you just make me a macchiatto?

 **Kelsi** : _[waves hands as a magician would do]_ Your macchiatto.

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.

 **[Martha Casablancas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kendall_Casablancas)** : Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an 'ick' factor.

 **Jason** : Is that so?

 **Martha** : Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it's very hot.

 **Jason** : I'm sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.

 **[Donnie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Kane)** : Kelsi, it's not your fault.

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : I'm afraid that line only works in _[Good Will Hunting](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Good_Will_Hunting)_.

**********************************************************

**Vance** : Let me tell you something. If I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd want to eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or a [meerkat](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/meerkat). I bet they'd go down smooth.

**********************************************************

**Chel, the pot-smoking skater dude** : Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.

 **Bolton** : You're right. Who?

 **Chel** : Kelsi Nielsen.

 **Bolton** : You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Kelsi?

 **Kelsi** : Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? _[Bolton pulls out her chair]_ Seriously, why _do_ birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=27)]

 **[Bolton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Lamb)** : So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** :: Okay. _[exhales deeply]_ I confess. _[pounds fist]_ God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.

 **Bolton** : He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

 **Kelsi** : Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated [David Caruso](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Caruso)?

 **Bolton** : What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? _[slides a folder of photos to her]_

 **Kelsi** : Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for [Whitesnake](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitesnake). I was singing backup for [Boyz II Men](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boyz_II_Men). They said it would never work, but -

 **Bolton** : I'm glad that you find this amusing.

 **Kelsi** : Another thing girls love are [Jimmy Choos](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Choo), [Dolce & Gabbana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolce_%26_Gabbana), and convertibles that cost more than the [gross national product](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Gross_national_product) of [Sri Lanka](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Sri_Lanka).

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : _[voiceover]_ Tailing young Miss Martha was about as hard as following [Malibu Barbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malibu_Barbie) to the beach house.

 **[Donnie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Kane)** : Careful, Jason. You're exposing your soft underbelly.

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Green-Eyed Monster_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=28)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : _[voiceover]_ The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : _[to Alicia]_ You just fulfilled one of the Top 10 male fantasies...Oh yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.

 **Kelsi** : My Dad spend the night at your place?

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : Yep.

 **Kelsi** : He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?

 **Troy** : _[pulls out paper bag]_ Want one?

 **[Zeke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eli_%22Weevil%22_Navarro)** : Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local [Wapner](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judge_Wapner) hook you up with some ankle bling?

 **Kelsi** : You know the deal, cuz. Every time some kitty cries in this town, one-time tries to put a call on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

 **Zeke** : You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

**********************************************************

**Zeke** : Look, should I be expecting a visit from Bolton? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

 **Kelsi** : You should really do that anyway.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Blast from the Past_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=29)]

 **Ms. Danforth** : Homecoming season is upon us...

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Much like the plague.

 **Kelsi** : It sounds like you _don't_ need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : I got nothing but good sides, baby.

 **Kelsi** : It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.

 **[Donnie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Kane)** : I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

 **Kelsi** : Ew.

 **Kelsi** : _[to Donnie]_ You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty.

 **Kelsi** : _[answers phone]_ Chesty LaRue. Hey, Donnie. I'm fine. I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Rat Saw God_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=30)]

 **[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : Dude. My stepmom?

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : I am a total piece of crap.

 **Javier** : Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.

 **Jason** : Great. So...no hard feelings?

 **Javier** : No, she gave me a few.

**********************************************************

**Chel** : Sheriff would like to have a word with you.

 **Jason** : And I'd like to be the cream filling of an [Olsen twins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Kate_and_Ashley_Olsen) sandwich, but...

 **Chel** : Will you come with me, please?

 **Jason** : If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. _[Chel cuffs Jason.]_ Now that's more like it.

 **Chel** : You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.

 **Jason** : Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.

_[Jason is picked out of a police lineup.]_

**Officer** : Number four, step forward.

 **Jason** : Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.

**********************************************************

**Jason** : So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

 **[Taylor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliff_McCormack)** : Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Taylor, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

 **Jason** : Um...my innocence?

 **Taylor** : No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you _are_ going to trial.

 **Jason** : Hmm. The guy's lying.

 **Taylor** : June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.

 **Jason** : And what exactly did _I_ say, huh?

 **Taylor** : "The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming."

 **Jason** : _[explaining the benefits of an ankle monitor]_ ...And the other sweet thing is that I'm in constant video contact with Martha Stewart, right?

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=31)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : _[reciting[The Big Lebowski](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Lebowski)]_ I'm not Mr. Lebowski, you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the dude...so that's what you call me...either that or uh dudeness, duder, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

 **[Donnie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Kane)** : Kelsi, you need to stop being The Dude.

 **Kelsi** : Stoner Bowler doesn't do it for you?

 **Donnie** : A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

 **Kelsi** : These lips? I've had them for years, I can't do a thing with them.

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.

 **Kelsi** : Like "scram"?

 **Jason** : I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." _[Opens the door to see Martha]_ You're not my grilled cheese.

 **[Martha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kendall_Casablancas)** : No. _[Notices Kelsi and Donnie sitting on the couch]_ iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

 **Kelsi** : Like _this_ big. _[gestures with her thumb and finger]_

 **Jason** : My codeword will be..."endurance."

_********************************************************** _

_[Later]_

**Donnie** : _[kisses Kelsi's neck]_ Weren't we doing something?

 **Kelsi** : We were making out on the couch and then that happened. _[points to the room Jason and Martha just entered]_

**********************************************************

**[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.

 **Kelsi** : Please say "Kelsi Nielsen."

 **Oleander** : Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Bolton by the pound.

**********************************************************

**Mrs. Bolton** : All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

 **Kelsi** : All right, Rocketman, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.

 **[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.

 **[Rocketman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gia_Goodman)** : I heard her husband left her for a man.

 **Javier** : And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.

 **Rocketman** : Mrs. Bolton, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

 **Mrs. Bolton** : No, Rocketman. [Chlamydia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chlamydia_infection) is not a flower.

 **Rocketman** : Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

 **Kelsi** : Your trellis is a whore.

**********************************************************

**Oleander** : When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

 **Kelsi** : Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.

 **Oleander** : You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. _[notices smell and starts sniffing Kelsi's jacket]_

 **Kelsi** : Whoa, you two need to be alone?

 **Oleander** : I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

 **Kelsi** : Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "Don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "[Good Night, Moon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Night,_Moon)."

 **Oleander** : _[holds out jacket]_ 'Splain.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Ahoy, Mateys!_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=32)]

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

 **Jason** : Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

 **Kelsi** : Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

 **Jason** : Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

**********************************************************

**[Darbus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Clemmons)** : Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -

 **Kelsi** : So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?

 **Darbus** : Yes... Exactly.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : What's this four-week gap here?

 **Ryan** : Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

 **Kelsi** : Do you know why?

 **Ryan:** I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

 **Kelsi** : The show's still on?

 **Ryan:** A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

 **Kelsi** : Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

 **Ryan:** Yes. _[she doesn't continue and Kelsi gives a look]_ Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. _[Kelsi scoffs]_ We can track the signal.

 **Kelsi** : I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. _[both laugh]_

 **Ryan:** Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

**********************************************************

**Sharpay** : _[as "Cap'n Krunk"]_ The winner of this week's " _Cock_ of the Walk" Countdown -

 **[Chad](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vincent_Clemmons)** : _[as "Imitation Crab"]_ Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.

 **Sharpay** : It's Jason Echolls.

 **Chad** : That's 40 weeks running.

 **Sharpay** : [Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Rosemary%27s_Baby_\(film\)). If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. _[splash sound effect]_

 **Chad** : Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.

 **Sharpay** : I'm saving up for that very day.

 **Chad** : Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

 **Jason** : Any news on [Nip/Schmuck](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Nip/Tuck)?

 **Kelsi** : It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

 **Jason** : Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

 **Kelsi** : And I'm working on the connections, okay?

 **Jason** : If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

 **Kelsi** : If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

 **Jason** : Help me, [Nielsen-Wan Kenobi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi), you're my only hope.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_My Mother, the Fiend_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=33)]

 **Mrs. Bolton** : Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... _[takes animatronic baby out of box]_ Welcome to Parenthood.

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : So that's where babies come from.

**********************************************************

**Martha** : Hi, baby. What took you so long? _[she kisses Jason]_

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, _[wipes lips]_ I'd have raced home.

 **Martha** : I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Donnie could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.

 **Jason** : Donnie's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.

 **Martha** : No, I'm talking about Javier's Maserati.

 **[Tiara](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trina_Echolls)** : Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?

 **Martha** : Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?

 **Jason** : Oh, yes, where are my manners? Martha Casablancas, Tiara Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.

 **Tiara** : Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.

 **Martha** : Where? Is there a club where you, [Dedee Pfeiffer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dedee_Pfeiffer), [Joey Travolta](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Travolta), and [Melissa Rivers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melissa_Rivers) all meet for drinks?

 **Tiara** : There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at [Chuck E. Cheese](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_E._Cheese) though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. _[squeezes Jason's cheeks]_ Night, all. _[exits]_

 **Jason** : Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.

**********************************************************

**Jason** : I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.

 **[Zeke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eli_%22Weevil%22_Navarro)** : You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.

 **Jason** : What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.

 **Zeke** : That wasn't me.

 **Jason** : You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played [Russian roulette](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_roulette) with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.

 **Zeke** : I thought you killed Felix.

 **Jason** : Well, I didn't.

 **Zeke** : Yeah, I pretty much know that now.

 **Jason** : Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?

 **Zeke** : We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.

 **Jason** : So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?

 **Zeke** : Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.

 **Jason** : Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.

 **Zeke** : Wouldn't be much fun if you did.

 **Jason** : So who's going to throw the first - _[bell rings, Zeke punches first and they all-out fight]_

**********************************************************

**Ryan** : Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just tip me off when you're going public.

 **[Chad](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassidy_Casablancas)** : You know, I think that might be illegal.

 **Ryan:** Still... you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?

 **Chad** : Something like that.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.

 **Tiara** : No way. [Ashton Kutcher](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashton_Kutcher) is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.

 **Kelsi** : Tiara, I'm dead serious.

 **Tiara** : Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.

 **Kelsi** : You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.

 **Tiara** : What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?

 **Kelsi** : I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.

 **Tiara** : Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!

 **Kelsi** : I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I _was_ gonna send this video to all the tabloids.

 **Tiara** : Oh, you're a rascal, Kelsi Nielsen.

 **Kelsi** : Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.

 **Tiara** : You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_One Angry Kelsi_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=34)]

 **[Donnie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Kane)** : Last spring... before we broke up...

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

 **Donnie** : This has nothing to do with us.

 **Kelsi** : Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

 **[Bolton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Lamb)** : _[admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing]_ You know, Oleander, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?

 **Rocketman** : My name is Rocketman. Not that you really care.

 **Kelsi** : Oh, I care... deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.

 **Oleander** : _[to Kelsi]_ I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.

 **Kelsi** : I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. Presents, presents, presents!

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Donut Run_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=35)]

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Hi-ho.

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : What did you say?

 **Jason** : Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.

 **Kelsi** : Guess that makes me [Snow White](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snow_White).

 **Jason** : You must be on your way up to see Mopey.

 **Kelsi** : How is he doing, Sleazy?

**********************************************************

**Sharpay** : Hey, Kelsi! What's the haps?

 **Kelsi** : Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.

 **Kelsi** : I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the... _[counting fingers]_ last person I'd tell.

 **Sharpay** : Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell [Osama bin Laden](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osama_bin_Laden) before you tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism.

**********************************************************

**Jason** : What's the word?

 **Javier** : The one they call Bootsy told me "no" and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.

 **Jason** : Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school.

 **Javier** : Boy, that's the truth.

**********************************************************

**[Bolton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Lamb)** : So... The F-B-I. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.

 **Matsui** : You go to college?

 **Bolton** : For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.

 **Matsui** : Speak a foreign language?

 **Bolton** : A little Mexican. Enough to get by. I tell 'em to turn their music down.

 **Matsui** : Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?

 **Bolton** : Expertise...?

 **Matsui** : Small town, big fish: You know, I'd ride with that.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Rashard and Troy Go to White Castle_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=36)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : What is it?

 **Kelsi** : A German chocolate nut-gasm.

 **Troy** : I don't think that's going to help.

 **[Taylor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliff_McCormack)** : It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Troy Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.

 **Troy** : What if I'm not there?

 **Taylor** : Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.

 **Kelsi** : Or prove your innocence.

 **Taylor** : Or that. Suit yourself.

 **Kelsi** : And how can I help you, sir?

 **Zeke** : I need a favor.

 **Kelsi** : Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

 **Zeke** : I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

 **Kelsi** : Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : _[from the next table over]_ It's not just for him.

 **Kelsi** : Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

 **Jason** : Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Donnie disappeared?

 **Kelsi** : Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

 **Zeke** : Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

 **Kelsi** : So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

 **Jason** : Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

**********************************************************

**Jason** : Look, Kelsi, can you just once save my ass without comment?

 **Kelsi** : No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just... it works better for me.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=37)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : [Slushies](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slush_\(beverage\))! Get your ice-cold, frozen... sugar water...

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : You had me at "ice cold."

 **Kelsi** : What's your poison?

 **Jason** : Oh, emotionally unavailable women. _[Kelsi glares]_ Let's see, uh... I want something that suits my mood.

 **Kelsi** : Ooh, I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil.

 **Jason** : I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

 **Kelsi** : Hot date?

 **Jason** : Rain check? A night with the fellas. You know how it is.

 **Zeke** : Is it your undying love for me, or just good old-fashioned lust?

 **Kelsi** : Que?

 **Zeke** : That kept you from turning me in?

 **Kelsi** : _[pauses]_ Love...of roller coasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates... Nothing to do with you. _[they both give a small smile to each other]_

 **Jason** : Oh the rich, how they mock you. _[hands Kelsi a $50 bill]_

 **Kelsi** : There's a $50 bill?

 **Jason** : Had them made special.

 **[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : I am _so_ good at this game, bro.

 **Jason** : Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Javier.

**********************************************************

**Mrs. Bolton** : In less than three minutes, Kelsi Nielsen has lost all the senior trip money.

 **Kelsi** : Is that a record?

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Versatile Toppings_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=38)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?

 **Kelsi** : Gabriella and I aren't exactly the _[Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Sisterhood_of_the_Traveling_Pants)_. She's not what you'd call huggable.

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm.

 **Kelsi** : Hmm

 **Oleander** : Hmm.

**********************************************************

**Javier** : Dude, why are lesbians, like, so pissed off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies!

 **Kelsi** : How progressive of you, Javier.

 **Javier** : Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what?

 **Kelsi** : Would it help if I started making out with _my_ girlfriend in the hall?

 **Javier** : Yeah! Obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.

 **Kelsi** : And here I thought we were getting to be pals.

 **Javier** : Please. You date Jason, he's nailed for murder. You date Donnie, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude [Kryptonite](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kryptonite), Kelsi. This rich dude wants no part of it.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : I need you to get me into a restricted website.

 **Ryan** : Sure, what's the address?

 **Kelsi** : I don't know.

 **Ryan:** What's it for?

 **Kelsi** : It's a Neptune High gay chat room.

 **Ryan:** Kelsi, you're not...

 **Kelsi** : No, I'm just curious. _[chuckles]_ Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. _[beat]_ And... nothing. What's the problem? _[Ry stares at Kelsi without speaking]_ ...You set it up, didn't you?

**[******************************************************](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Cook) **

**[Gabriella](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Cook)** : You can ride with me if you want. I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better.

 **Kelsi** : I don't know. Um... do you have room for my Rocketmannt foam finger?

 **Gabriella** : I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried about being seen together.

 **Kelsi** : Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_The Quick and the Wed_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=39)]

 **Sharpay** : Kelsi!

 **Kelsi** : Hey, party girl.

 **Sharpay** : I need your help.

 **Kelsi** : Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?

**********************************************************

**[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : So, you want me to come over after school?

 **[Sharpay](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_Griffith)** : The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."

 **Jason** : Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

**********************************************************

**[Taylor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliff_McCormack)** : They've set a trial date sixty days from today.

 **Jason** : Whatever will I wear?

 **Taylor** : The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.

 **Jason** : I'm not interested.

 **Taylor** : You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.

 **Jason** : _[incredulous]_ Two years?

 **Taylor** : Jason, _[sighs]_ let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - _eye_ witnesses.

 **Jason** : Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.

 **Taylor** : A prominent, _well-respected_ cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

 **Jason** : Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.

 **Taylor** : I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.

 **Jason** : No deal.

 **Taylor** : Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

**********************************************************

**[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aaron_Echolls)** : _[in jail]_ So...to what do I owe the pleasure?

 **[Martha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kendall_Casablancas)** : I'm here to tempt you, Troy.

 **Troy** : Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?

 **Martha** : [Huge tracts of land](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Monty_Python_and_the_Holy_Grail#Swamp_Castle)...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.

 **Troy** : So I guess Big Javier still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?

 **Martha** : My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. _[winks]_ Troy, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?

 **Troy** : Ahh! You're cash-strapped. No I get it. I can help. But... _[imitating[Hannibal Lecter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannibal_Lecter)]_ quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.

 **Martha** : Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. _[unbuttons her top]_

**********************************************************

**Martha** : And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

 **Jason** : I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_The Rapes of Graff_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=40)]

 **Ryan** : Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? _[Kelsi raises her hand]_ All alone?

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : It's all right. I prefer it.

 **Ryan** : Lie. See, that's how the game works. _[to group]_ You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? _[to Kelsi]_ Okay, so go ahead.

 **Kelsi** : Okay, I'm Kelsi. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

 **Ryan** : Oh, how'd that go?

 **Kelsi** : It was a bit of a letdown.

 **Ryan** : Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.

 **Kelsi** : Wrong. Is that the end?

 **Ryan** : Um, okay. Well, my name is Ryan, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.

 **Kelsi** : Your father doesn't sell Fords.

 **Ryan** : That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?

 **Kelsi** : It's all in the eyes.

 **Ryan** : All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.

 **Kelsi** : Oh, I won't be attending.

 **Ryan** : All right, enough lies.

**********************************************************

**[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her [Easy-Bake Oven](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easy-Bake_Oven)?

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Actually, I am now a free man.

 **Javier** : The way we should be, man.

 **Jason** : "We"? What happened to Madison?

 **Javier** : _[scoffs]_ Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.

 **Jason** : Where, Legoland?

 **Javier** : Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.

 **Jason** : The other being?

 **Javier** : Chicks.

 **Jason** : Oh, so this worked out great for you.

 **Javier** : Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like [Ozzy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozzy_Osbourne).

 **[Taylor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliff_McCormack)** : I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. _[shows Bolton a photo of him and Madison]_

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.

 **[Bolton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheriff_Don_Lamb)** : _[looks around, lowers his voice]_ So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.

 **Oleander** : Sounds like a swell campaign sJason for the next election. _[shows him a "campaign flyer":_ 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Bolton _]_

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : That's Kelsi Nielsen - making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home.

**********************************************************

**Oleander** : You´re back early.

 **Kelsi** : Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?

 **Oleander** : You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your... _[interrupted by knocking]_

 **Prostitute** : Is Oleander here?

 **Kelsi** : Dad... your hooker's here.

 **Oleander** : Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Plan B_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=41)]

 **[Zeke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eli_%22Weevil%22_Navarro)** : I need your help.

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Ah, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that.

 **Zeke** : Look, I know it's a drag being you, and...

 **Kelsi** : No, seriously. I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

 **Zeke** : Well, I'm banking on curiosity getting the better of you..

_[Kelsi hesitates a long time, then stamps her foot.]_

**Kelsi** : Alright tell me! Damn my curiosity!

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : So this is staking out, huh? It looks sexier in the movies.

 **Kelsi** : Did you hear anything from Sharpay?

 **Jason** : Does deafening silence count?

 **Kelsi** : You know, I'm not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you are officially a bad boy. _[they high-five each other]_

 **Jason** : Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling.

**********************************************************

**Ryan** : This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Chad and I occasionally, you know, make out.

 **Kelsi** : I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.

 **Ryan:** So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-pants action, no?

 **Kelsi** : Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?

 **Ryan:** Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."

 **Kelsi** : So four months and nada?

 **Ryan:** Hand holding, kissing.

 **Kelsi** : Tongue?

 **Ryan:** Some tongue.

 **Kelsi** : Ass grabbing?

 **Ryan:** Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

 **[Bolton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Lamb)** : Still picking winners, huh, Kelsi?

 **Kelsi** : I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.

 **Zeke** : You know, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a Ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for plan B.

 **Kelsi** : Not just yet, [Dirty Harry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_Harry).

 **Zeke** : In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop.

 **Kelsi** : Uh, okay. [Dirty Sanchez](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_Sanchez)?

**_******************************************************_ **

**_I Am God_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=42)]

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : Did you watch [House of Wax](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Wax_\(2005_film\)) again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

_[Kelsi walks up behind Jason and knees him in the back of his leg.]_

**[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.

 **[Jason](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan_Echolls)** : Is it because you're five?

 **Kelsi** : I'm a little punchy. I haven't been sleeping.

 **Jason** : Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.

 **Kelsi** : Remind me: why did we break up?

 **Jason** : Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait. It was you - _you_ were too much man.

**********************************************************

**Jason** : Ms. Danforth must really like his egg-drop soup.

 **[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : Uh, does this assignment come with _[Chinese accent]_ pot stick _ah_?

 **Ms. Danforth** : Students! This experiment is a major test grade. For some of you, _[looking at Javier]_ it means passing this class or not.

 **Javier** : _[to Jason]_ Dude, is Ms. Danforth hitting on me?

 **Ms. Danforth** : Okay, people, that does it. I'm assigning your partners alphabetically. Javier, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.

 **Javier** : So bad, it's good?

 **Ms. Danforth** : No.

 **Javier** : _[to Jason]_ God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shh! It's not me, it's Wu.

 **Kelsi** : Peter was gearing up for what he called the "outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet.

 **Ms. Danforth** : _[sighs]_ Kelsi, I think when you get out in the world a little more, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just... Asian.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Nevermind the Buttocks_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=43)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Ry Guy, what's the haps?

 **Ryan** : I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell-phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?

 **Kelsi** : Everyone still kept bringing in their cell-phone interceptors?

 **Ryan:** Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from a buddy at [Radio Shack](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Shack) because, apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Chad's cell phone calls. _[Kelsi is silent]_ You're judging me.

 **Kelsi** : Nope. I'm judging myself. Why don't _I_ have a cell phone interceptor?

 **Ryan:** Please, respect the business model, Kelsi. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage.

_********************************************************** _

_[Kelsi knocks three times, each punctuated by a brief silence.]_

**Chad** : _That_ was your secret knock?

 **Kelsi** : The genius is its simplicity.

 **Chad** : We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. The box is under there.

 **Ryan:** Wow, Chad, this is - this is way cool of you.

 **Chad** : Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so, don't worry about that.

 **Ryan:** _[confused]_ Oh... okay. I'll try not to...

 **Chad** : Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.

 **Kelsi** : Look! Fake vomit - courtesy of locker 213. And whoever is in locker 792 is _sans_ one "Smell it, Bitch" T-shirt.

 **Chad** : So, Ry, what color dress are you wearing?

 **Ryan:** I'm actually wearing pants.

 **Chad** : _[laughs]_ I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red and you think I'm an idiot.

**********************************************************

**Ryan:** Kelsi?

 **Kelsi** : _[holds up a book with a tag attached that reads '#333']_ Do you mind if I give this _[Anarchist Cookbook](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchist_Cookbook)_ back to Zeke?

 **Chad** : You know his locker number?

 **Kelsi** : Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : Can you think of any reason Jason would have got three calls from Martha on the day of the crash?

 **Kelsi** : _[sighs]_ Well, let's see...I believe the Latin term is _coitus sordidus_.

 **Oleander** : They were sleeping together? _[Kelsi nods]_ That was weeks before Martha's husband fled the country.

 **Kelsi** : Jason may be a little fuzzy on the [commandments](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments).

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?

 **[Zeke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eli_%22Weevil%22_Navarro)** : No. But I can see how you might get confused.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Look Who's Stalking_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=44)]

_[Kelsi sees Troy and Gabriella kissing against her locker. She pushes them aside.]_

**[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Please, get a room. In Australia.

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

 **Kelsi** : What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?

 **Gabriella** : _[waves]_ We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

 **Ryan** : Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Chad.

 **Kelsi** : Ry, I didn't think he'd actually -

 **Ryan:** He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -

 **[Darbus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Clemmons)** : _[over loudspeaker]_ Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.

 **Ryan:** Yes! Prayer works!

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him.

 **Rocketman** : Wow, how [Mission Impossible](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission:_Impossible_\(film\))! I feel like at any moment, [Tom Cruise](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Cruise) is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

 **Kelsi** : Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : Okay, I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : Damn, they just privatizing everything these days.

 **[Gabriella](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Cook)** : _[looking at invitation]_ Alterna-Prom? Hmm, formal attire.

 **Troy** : That's what I'm talking about.

 **Kelsi** : Please don't give us the tux speech again.

 **Troy** : What? You mean how, when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like [Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cletus_Spuckler)?

**********************************************************

**Jason** : Who are you taking to the Alterna-Prom?

 **[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally, I figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom. It's the Alterna-Prom. Why narrow my options?

 **Jason** : Shot down, huh?

 **Javier** : It's like a conspiracy.

 **Jason** : It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you.

 **Javier** : Bring on the sorority girls!

**********************************************************

**Jason:** I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.

 **Kelsi:** Epic how?

 **Jason:** Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, blood shed. Epic. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.

 **Kelsi:** Jason...

 **Jason:** I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...

 **Kelsi:** Come on. Ruined lives? Blood shed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?

 **Jason:** No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Happy Go Lucky_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=45)]

 **[Oleander](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Mars)** : When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Troy's lawyer is gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you.

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : Ah, but here's the thing - I'm "unrileable." Easygoing Kelsi Nielsen: that's what the kids at school call me.

 **Oleander** : You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again?

 **Kelsi** : You know what I want, more than anything in the world? I want to be there, in court, watching Troy at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I want to see that smirk wiped from his face. I want to see his expression at the exact moment he realizes he'll never be a free man again.

 **Oleander** : "Easygoing Kelsi Nielsen," huh? _[kisses her forehead]_ You know how fat men are sometimes called "Tiny"?

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?

 **[Troy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallace_Fennel)** : Since middle school.

 **Kelsi** : Elementary, my dear Troy.

_[Troy and Gabriella chuckle.]_

**Kelsi** : Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?

**********************************************************

**Oleander** : I'm thinking about getting you some sort of... freaky hamster ball, so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere.

 **Kelsi** : It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

**********************************************************

**Troy** : You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say, it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.

 **Kelsi** : And my stupid ass face?

...

 **Troy** : _[walking away]_ This conversation never happened.

 **Kelsi** : Sure it did.

**********************************************************

**[Zeke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eli_%22Weevil%22_Navarro)** : This is pointless.

 **Chad** : _[sighs]_ Okay, look, so you know [quadratic equations](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quadratic_equations), right?

 **Zeke** : Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?

 **Chad** : I'm just trying to see what you already know.

 **Zeke** : Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.

 **Chad** : Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?

 **Zeke** : Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.

 **Chad** : Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -

 **Zeke** : If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.

 **Chad** : No, look... but what about my car?

 **Zeke** : You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -

 **Ryan** : _[from next table over]_ [F-O-I-L](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FOIL_method). That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.

 **Zeke** : Now can _you_ teach me that?

 **Ryan** : You'll still fix his car?

 **Zeke** : That's the deal.

 **Ryan:** Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... _[Zeke glares]_ I'm just kidding.

**_******************************************************_ **

**_Not Pictured_** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Veronica_Mars&action=edit&section=46)]

 **[Kelsi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veronica_Mars_\(character\))** : _[voiceover]_ So this is how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable. ...There is neither a Santa Claus, nor an Easter Bunny, and there no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no reason, and nothing makes any sense.

 **Oleander** : I'm on a flight to Reno leaving an hour after graduation.

 **Kelsi** : I don't know if I like the idea of you running around a place full of armed, drunk businessmen.

 **Oleander** : That's why I rarely go to Texas.

 **[Darbus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Clemmons)** : I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday?

 **Kelsi** : Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C.

**********************************************************

**Kelsi** : Where's your brother?

 **[Javier](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Casablancas)** : I think he took _[Ghost World](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_World_\(film\))_ up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing [Dungeons and Dragons](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dungeons_and_Dragons). Or both, at the same time. They're both, like, 12th-level dorks. Just sayin'.

**********************************************************

**Chad:** _[to Ryan, after blowing up the plane]_ I know this might be a _[snickers]_ bad time to ask for a favor... How would you feel, now that you have nothing left to live for, about just rolling yourself off? It's just, I really don't want your DNA all over my shirt.


	4. Source: Shark Tale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The Sharks is the name of the gang Don Evans leads

**Ryan** : _[to the worm]_ Hi. I'm Ryan. _[worm faints]_

 **Ryan** : Oh, little buddy, did I scare you? I'm sorry.

 **Ryan** : Wake up. Wake up. Okay, don't worry about it, I'll get you out in a jiffy. Keep holding your breath, little wormie.

 **Sharpay** : Yo, Ryan.

 **Ryan** : I'm coming, Sharpay.

 **Sharpay** : Move it. Come on. Pop's waiting.

 **Ryan** : Here we go. And gotcha. Okay, buddy, you're free. Now escape. Just go. Cry freedom. _[shrieks]_ Oh. You almost gave me a heart attack.

 **Sharpay** : Ryan, what are you doing?

 **Ryan** : Well, I was just...picking you some flowers. _[Sharpay slaps the flowers out of Ryan's fins]_

 **Ryan** : Hey, Mom says it's not okay to hit.

 **Sharpay** : _[slaps Ryan]_ Mom's not here. _[hums the_ Jaws _theme]_

 **Ryan** : Don't. Don't. _[groans]_ That song gives me the creeps.

 **Sharpay** : Whaddya mean? It's our theme song.

**Don Evans** : What do you mean you don't understand? What's there to understand. We've been over this 1,000 times. I don't want to have to say it again. You know, you're really giving me agita, you know that. I don't know what else to say this. Ryan, you see something wrong, you kill it. Period. Thanks. That's what sharks do. That's a fine tradition. What's the matter with you? Your sister, Sharpay, here, he's a killer.

 **Sharpay** : Thanks, Pop.

 **Don Evans** : She’s beautiful. She does what she's supposed to do. Wipe your face, but you... I'm hearin' things. You gotta understand when you look weak, it makes me look weak.

 **Ryan** : I know.

 **Don Evans** : I can't have that.

 **Ryan** : Pop, I'm sorry.

 **Don Evans** : Ryan. Ryan. Look at me. Look at me. This handin' over the business is for both of us and you're acting like you don't even want it. I need to know you can handle that. _[sighs] [splutters]_ Alright, alright. Right here in front of me now, kill this.

 **Ryan** : _[whimpers]_ Gee, thanks, Pop. Here's the thing. I’m takin’ a break from this whole mob business. Shar works way harder at this than I do, and Al’s not even ready for this fight, y’know?

 **Alan:** It's true. It's true and the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over because she passed away, and then the baby lost its legs, and its arms and he doesn't put a stump, but I still take care of it with my wife and it's growing and it's fairly happy, but it's difficult 'cause I've been working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table, but all the love and I see that little guy's face makes worth it in the end. True story.

 **Don Evans** : _[sighs]_ I'm not askin' you anymore. I'm tellin' you. Kill him!

 **Alan:** No, have mercy!

 **Ryan** : Pop, please...

 **Don Evans** : Kill!

 **Alan:** No kill!

 **Don Evans** : Son, kill the shrimp! Please!

 **Ryan** : No, please.

 **Don Evans** : Ryan! Kill, kill, kill!

 **Ryan** : _Put the shrimp down_! _[Ryan grabs Alan’s arm and takes him to another room]_ Go now. No one's looking. Get out of here. You're free now, go on. Go. Go.

 **Alan:** You're a good person. _[glares at Evans, then gestures to some others]_ Come on, fellas.

 **Sharpay** : Pop, I can handle the reef. It's not a problem.

 **Don Evans** : No. No. We're gonna do this as a family. Sharpay, I want you to take Ryan out, and show him the ropes.

 **Sharpay** : Oh, come on, Pop.

 **Don Evans** : Hon, you're gonna learn how to be a Shark. Whether you like it or not.

**Darbus:** Yup. It's fake.

 **Gabriella:** Fake? I worked eight years on that!

**Chad** : Hey, Kelsi!

 **Kelsi** : Now you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?

 **Chad** : That's a billboard, Kelsi.

 **Kelsi** : You live in a billboard? And they call _me_ crazy!

**Don Evans** : I bring you in here, look you in the eye, tell you what's what, and what?

 **Fulton** : What?

 **Don Evans** : What "what"?

 **Fulton** : "What, what" nothin'. You said "what" first.

 **Don Evans** : I didn't say what first. I asked _you_ what.

 **Fulton** : No, you said "And then what?", and I said "What?"

 **Don Evans** : _[confused]_ No, I said "what what", like what, what?

 **Fulton** : You said "what" first.

 **Don Evans** : _[annoyed]_ Now you're making fun of me?

 **Fulton** : No, no, no, no, you misunderstood.

 **Sharpay** : Sorry we're late, Pop. Ryan had an accident. He was born.

 **Ryan** : _[sarcastic laughter]_ You're a comic genius.

 **Fulton** : Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer.

 **Don Evans** : My Ryan _is_ a killer! Ya hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!

_[Evans and Fulton both notice Ryan obliviously spinning around on his chair; Sharpay shakes her head.]_

**Fulton** : Huh?

 **Don Evans** : That's it! That is _it_! You are _out_!

 **Fulton** : What? _[inflates; high-pitched]_ Whaddya mean I'm "out"?

 **Don Evans** : You're fired! _[shoves Fulton; Fulton screams and lands on a picture across the room]_ And on top of that, you're gonna have to start payin' me!

 **Fulton** : For what?

 **Don Evans** : So, nothing happens to that little Whale Wash of yours.

**Chad** : _He was the #1 tongue scrubber. Every year for 25 years. To me, working at the Wash, was the coolest job in the ocean. But then I learned something I will never forget._

 **Rocketman** : Chad's dad's a tongue scrubber!

 **Students** : Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber!

**Fulton** : All right. 'Cause I like you, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to pay up.

 **Chad** : All of it? How am I supposed to do that?

 **Fulton** : That's your problem. Bring me 5,000 clams to the track tomorrow, or else.

 **Chad** : Or else what?

 **Fulton** : The boys will explain.

**Jason and Zeke** : _[sing][Don't worry](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bob_Marley)_ _  
About a thing  
'Cause every little thing  
Is gonna be all right._

 **Jason:** This is how you sing it, Chad.

 **Zeke** : Yeah.

 **Jason:** Fulton, he like you, mon.

 **Zeke** : Him say take it easy on you.

 **Jason:** But Fulton is not here. _[laughs]_

 **Zeke** : True.

 **Zeke** : Jason, let me ask you a question.

 **Jason:** Yeah, mon? Go on.

 **Zeke** : Why is it that me locks can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you? _[zaps Jason, who screams]_ Jason. I didn't mean it, Jason. I didn't mean it, man. Jason. _[Jason laughs]_ Jason, you made a joke. Good one, man. Respect.

 **Jason:** Respect.

 **Zeke** : Bloodfire.

**Ryan** : Sharpay!

 **Sharpay** : Ryan... _[coughs]_ Ryan, is that you?

 **Ryan** : I'm here, Sharpay.

 **Sharpay** : Come here.

 **Ryan** : Yes, what is it, Sharpay?

 **Sharpay** : I'm so cold.

 **Ryan** : That's just because we're cold-blooded.

_[Sharpay slaps her brother]_

**Ryan** : Ow!

 **Sharpay** : Moron. _[dies]_

 **Ryan** : Sharpay, no. No! _[sobs]_ This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Sharpay! How am I going to explain this to Pop? Oh, no! _[swims away and passes Chad, who squeaks and lands in front of the now-deceased Sharpay.]_

**Chad** : _[finds Sharpay dead behind him, thinks she's alive, and starts yelling crazily]_ Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be trippin'! _[makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Zeke]_

 **Zeke** : Ow! What the…?

_[Chad, Jason, and Zeke all scream simultaneously; Chad hides behind Sharpay]_

**Zeke** : Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Jason’s idea! _[Jason nods, then looks at Zeke angrily]_

 **Jason:** Chad?

 **Zeke** : Did you kill that Shark?

 **Chad** : _[looks down at Sharpay before having an idea]_ Uh, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.

_[Chad is pretending to battle Ryan in front of the fish city.]_

**Chad** : Do you hear them, Ryan?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!

 **Ryan** : They love _you_. They hate _me_!

 **Chad** : _[shocked]_ What?!

 **Ryan** : Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fish Slayer! They'll never see it comin'!

 **Chad** : Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life! _[Ryan nods his head understandingly]_ Now gimme a growl!

 **Ryan** : Okay. _[purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Chad's face]_ Like that?

 **Chad** : That was... pretty good!

**Ryan** : _[sighs]_ You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't been myself since the... the, uh... Don't cry. _[cries in anguish]_

 **Chad** : No, no, it's not all that. Just relax.

 **Ryan** : It's my fault... kinda... not really... but still. My sister...

 **Chad** : You just need a little time, man. Look, thi... things'll work out.

 **Ryan** : You think?

 **Chad** : Yeah. So, look, I'm gonna take off... And you should just go home, Okay?

 **Ryan** : Okay.

 **Chad** : Hey, good luck, dawg.

**Zeke** : Oh, man. I told ya.

 **Jason:** I'm doing it.

 **Zeke** : X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger, down, square, square.

 **Jason:** Double square. Respect.

 **Zeke** : Respect.

_[Chad finds out from Troy that Don Evans had captured Taylor in order to force a sit-down]_

**Chad** : They got Taylor. And they want a sit-down. I never meant for anybody to get hurt, especially not Taylor. This is all my fault.

 **Fulton** : That's a classic move. I've seen it a thousand times.

 **Ryan** : They take the thing you love the most, and then they use it against you.

 **Chad** : _[after a moment of silence]_ Look, we gotta go to that sit-down, and we gotta save her.

 **Ryan** : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I wanna save Taylor, too. But I can't just waltz in there and say, "Hi, Pop, I'm a girl!"

 **Fulton** : Ryan?

 **Ryan** : "And my friend the Shark Slayer here's a fake!"

 **Fulton** : Fake?

 **Ryan** : Come on, we're gonna need a better plan than that!

 **Fulton** : _[laughs]_ This is a joke, right? This is a joke. Because you know, I told Evans... _[suddenly flashes back to his phone call with Evans]_

 **Fulton** : _[over phone]_ Shut up, Evans. Shut up! _[Don Evans growls]_

_[After flashback, Fulton inflates in a fit of panic]_

**Fulton** : _[in a high-pitched voice]_ Tell me you didn't make it all up, kid! Tell me that's not Ryan! Tell me you're a real Shark Slayer, _please_!

 **Chad** : _[sadly]_ I'm sorry, Fulton. I'm not. _[his mood suddenly brightens]_ But the Sharks don't know that.

_[Ryan accidentally stabs Chad]_

**Chad** : Don't... move!

 **Ryan** : Chad?

 **Chad:** No, it's Pinocchio. Of course, it's me! Why did you do that?!

 **Ryan** : I'm sorry...

 **Chad** : No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you say "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just FAT! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!

 **Ryan** : Chad, I think I'm gonna puke...

 **Chad** : Oh, no, no, no, no... Ryan, just ease up, nice and easy.

**Ryan** : Shhh! He could be anywhere!

 **Chad** : Who?

 **Ryan:** The Shark Slayer...

 **Chad** : _[laughs]_ There's no Shark Slayer.

 **Ryan** : Tchee-he-ha-ha. Yes, there is!

 **Chad** : Tchee-he-ha-ha. No, there is not! Trust me on this one!

 **Ryan** : Get a hold of yourself, man! This is no time to act crazy!

 **Chad** : Hey, you're the one acting crazy, Crazy!

_[In Chad's fantasy]_

**Taylor** : Dreams can begin small. You just have to... bet it all. Bet it all!

 **Announcer** : _And Lucky Day wins._

_[Fulton is talking to Evans over the phone]_

**Chad** : Fulton, shut up! Shut up!

 **Fulton** : Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Evans! Ha! Shut up! Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.

 **Chad** : _[whispers]_ No. I'm not here. I'm not here!

 **Fulton** : Yeah, he's right here. _[hands Chad the phone_ ]

 **Chad** : Hello?

 **Don Evans** : _[furious]_ Shut up? _Shut up_?! You don't tell _me_ "Shut up"! I tell _you_ "Shut up"!

_[As he talks beeping is heard on the other side of the phone]_

**Don Evans** : What? Hello?

 **Troy** : Yeah, hi. Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, Meatballs, Mushrooms–

 **Don Evans** : _[startled]_ Troy?

 **Troy** : Oh, hi, boss. What are you doin' workin' at a pizza joint?

 **Don Evans** : Get off the phone!

 **Troy** : But I'm hungry! _[Troy reluctantly hangs up]_

 **Don Evans** : _[shakes his head in frustration, then returns his attention to Chad.]_ My guys are comin' for you, Shark Slayer! They're gonna tear you FIN FROM FIN! _[slams the phone down hanging up too]_

**Chad** : All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out, I got a small thing to take care of.

 **Taylor** : Oh, yeah? What's that?

 **Chad** : _Sharks_ are coming to get me!

 **Taylor** : And they _should_! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a Shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!

 **Chad** : Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Ryan, we're gonna take care of this...

 **Ryan** : Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this!

 **Chad** : Hey, too late now, veggie boy. They'll be looking for you, too!

 **Ryan** : Point taken. What's the plan?

_[The record player gets stuck while Evans talks with Fulton.]_

**Don Evans** : Troy.

 _[Troy moves the needle; the record player plays_ Baby Got Back _by Six Mix-a-Lot; Troy quickly moves the needle again and it cuts off.]_

 **Troy** : Hey, boss, big butts! _[chuckles]_

 **Don Evans** : Oy vey!

**Chad** : STOP! I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYER! _[The crowd stops cheering and stares in disbelief.]_ I lied.

 **Evans:** _[shocked]_ What?

 **Kelsi** : _[tearfully]_ And I'm not a real financial adviser!

 **Chad** : _[awkwardly]_ Okay... _[to Evans]_ It was an anchor that killed Sharpay. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Ryan.

 **Evans:** _[to Ryan]_ If that's true, why did you run away?

 **Ryan** : Because you always wanted me to be like Sharpay. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.

 **Chad** : _[to Evans]_ _What_ is your _problem_?! So, your son likes kelp, so his best friend plays ball, so he likes to dress like a girl! So _what_?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had... until I lost it.

_[Unnoticed by him, Taylor looks moved in the background]_

**Evans:** _[close to tears]_ Will you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?

_[Chad frees Evans and Ryan from the Whale Wash machines]_

**Evans:** Come here, you. _[hugs Ryan]_ I love you, son. No matter what you eat, kill, kiss, or dress.


End file.
